LIST JOKES
SILICON VALLEY LINGO
You can't be professionally cool if you're using outdated jargon. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.
"percussive maintenance" -The fine art of whacking the stuffing out of a device to get it working.
"prairie dogging"-In companies where everyone has a cubicle -- something happens and everyone pops up to look.
"blowing your buffer"-Losing your train of thought.
"yuppie food coupons"-Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
"square headed girlfriend" (or boyfriend)-Your computer.
"treeware"-Manuals and documentation.
"umfriend"-Concealed intimate relationship, as in, "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
"batmobiling"-Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile), as in, "She started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."
"beepilepsy"-Afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech and voluntary muscle coordination.
"betamaxed"-When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in, "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market."
"cobweb"-A WWW site that never changes.
"high dome"-Egghead, scientist, PhD.
"Elvis year"-The peak year of popularity, as in, "1993 was Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year."
"generica"-Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in, "We were so lost in generica that we couldn't remember what city we were passing through."
"irritainment"-Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial.
"meatspace"-The physical world (as opposed to the virtual), also "carbon community", "facetime", "F2F", "RL."
"siliwood" also "hollywired"-The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.
"world wide wait"-WWW
The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
TEN THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no penis.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Get out! What good is a cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dummy, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you pulled me over.
Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding
1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.
5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.
9. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."
14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.
16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."
17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.
19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."
20. Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the "Dollar Dance", ask her for a lap dance like she did last Friday.
DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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